Day dream

so... i decided to run every morning to lose my lazy fat and for summer, also want to start with new day wonderfully. today is my second day and i did it !!! but after that, i need to do something. i gatta go out and study... i am spoiled by myself. oh,, i am super lazy... stand up now and send packages to my friends and search where library is and study hard today until 7!! okay !? cant sleep in a day time of course. oh,, sleepy n want to spend time with uuu..

Une fille aux cheveux noirs: Young fellows, MoMA

Une fille aux cheveux noirs: Young fellows, MoMA

around me

i have some options too... but all arent good enough to do effort to be with..
sorry.....one guy talk like he knows everything and he is same age with me but talk like i know much better than uuu... oh boring.

one is ......


well i should not complain these people.  i just dont feel anything toward them.


he says he is coming back to 26th to narita but i already moved in Osaka by own. i dont think he will come to see me soon.

so disappointing..


am i love addiction ? i just wanna be happy with someone..

whats my need!? so simple.

just 11more days to wait. i wanna talk to him seriously.

hope things figure out . F--k you !!!!

distance

Tokyo to Turkey ! we could overcome easily if we try to keep in touch and believe each other. that was my "long distance love theory." guess what? he did destroy the common theory for long distance love. first, he borrowed money from me and his friend who is my friend as well and did small good bye dinner before he went. Then he went back to Turkey. He could call me at least when he arrived. he didnt. he told me to call him but when he is available. i had to make sure before i call him if he could talk to me and if it not, he does not know when he could talk.


the worst thing i ever experienced was when i called him by international phone call, if he was not available, he hung off without saying anything when he knows it is me. he could say hold on, call me back blah blah blah- anyway right? the reason why he doesnt say anything is only he does not feel comfortable to talk when he is with his family. WTF

how do i want solve these stresses!? to where?!

i know readers could think then why cant u break up with him?

i know i know i know ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but i cant ,,,,, dont know why

i waited for two months almost , being treated like shit. his friends say he is a good person.  my first impression was okay as well. if i give it up right now, i am so disappointed in myself. u know why my pride would be destroyed. i should get reword for it.  i will not give up until he comes back and see things clearly.

i hate myself now being like shit. why cant i move on!?

punishment

on the dame cold snowing valentines day, i came to see him to his school because he called me to come. i borrowed special power from valentines day, i tired to see him and explained why i cheated on him. lol i still wanted him. i dont know why. i told my ex, i like someone. i cleaned up EVERYTHING!

we played with snow and i explained him why and what happened to me really exaggerate. wow i had to say oh,,, i had bad romances and i changed somehow but i want to be a good girl again! wow i tried but i could not be completed one this time. thats shame on me.

i dont remember where we went after like sleep together or went home by myself.
anyway i became his girlfriend probationer.lol

from the day, he became more mean and cold to me but i am his kind of girlfriend. he never ever made time for me and it was really sucks. i dont know if i deserve this position and i hoped to finish this punishment. 

wow its been more than two months now. plz give me back for two months!


he went back turkey and i can say, we never contacted to each other....

Suddenly

yap yap yap, it was before valentines day and gave him good bye chocolate. sad sad sad sad sad ..... after good bye hug, !? somehow we ended up nicely. and he was sweet for the first time. i could not walk , i did not know how to go and where to go back. pain pain pain in my heart. why!?  i wished to break up with him so badly who treat me sucks and played my mind. why ? he became victim in the end and why i was bad ?! why do i feel sorry for him? yes.. i have been bad to cheat on bf. this time i didnt suppose to cheat on him. it didnt count on by just doing video chat!? no way  but for him, yes.

i tried to play easy as a mentally but it damaged so badly. regretted what i did. why I didnt play and act perfectly then i could leave him. honestly, i relied on him so much, thats why it was really painful to lose him. i just wanted to be happy......

i still liked him so much. changed my world again. it was hopeless.

 

Destiny GUy!?!?

after coming back to Japan, i have been super busy and have changed so much!

first of all, i met a tall Turkish guy, and somehow we started to hung out and it was full of excitement to know about the guy with many experiences. My mind blew off. I was in love.. he was different from others in many ways. for example, how to say,,,,, he does not show his affection to me and always kidding like elementally school boy. Not satisfied!  i made lots of effort to live in Tokyo caz i supposed to live in Osaka. I believed he is  " the Destiny Guy." with my latest ex, i could not think of being with him forever caz he did not have enough money! no, im kidding,, he did not have capacity to understand more widely. he was still baby:S

But this guy ! i could throw all barriers at once somehow, i could be free from fears. but it turned into so badly.. he didnt show me enough affection and he always lie about stupid things and made fun of me. i became his pet or something. also, my world was occupied by him because I MoVed in TOkyo for HIM !!

I stared to miss my sweetest ex and had contacted and made him come by making out in front of video chat which made me not exciting at all. anyway, i needed to get somehow attention and care from someone who realllly loves me ... i know who i was.. me and my ex had no future together but it works sometimes especially when both of us feel lonely.

anyway i was about to break up with "the destiny guy."  i could not bear what he is and how he treated me. i had all supports from friends too! yes, i said to him to break up! he said wow wow i gonna break up with u caz u cheated on me! u pretended to a good girl. no way! u lied and cheated ! he won the game.
 FUck!! but i felt reallly reallly fu#kin bad. I was in love with him n I tried my best but in the end, why I became a loser !? why I was the only bad caz i did internet sex!? yeah i just typed in whatever to make him satisfied. believe or not, i am not interested in internet sexual conversation at all, that totally turned me off.